TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally out of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have A different place where by American Adult men can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: supply Absolutely everyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he must quit making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the job, replied, "You understand, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Good tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about Trump Tower Damascus the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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